Deep South Austria

I remember being puzzled when my future wife answered her door wearing a pair of Birkenstock sandals and socks, sporting a look made famous by overweight German tourists.

“Are we going out?” I wondered. “Because your footwear is entirely unsuitable for the snowy conditions.”

(Or indeed, public display of any sort – I thought).

“They’re slippers!” she said.

“Like hell they are.” I replied.

Seven years later and the sandal vs slipper argument has not abated. All this time she has stuck to her guns:

“In Austria we wear them as slippers,” she claims.

The irony of an Austrian dressing like a German tourist is that Austrians don’t like to be lumped in with the Germans.

Even though when it comes to political and economic policies, Austria often takes Germany’s lead, Austrians consider themselves ‘the more fun, more relaxed version of Germans’.

So today I am laying out my case as to why there is nothing slipper-like about these German abominations. They are everything a slipper is not. They are an insult to the slipper-wearing community. And the wearing of them as an indoor slipper should be made illegal.

Nations of Slipper-lovers

You may ask what makes me, an Englishman, qualified for such a serious slipper arbitration. Well, though England does have an innate love for slippers – often paired with a pipe – it’s true that we are not one of the top slipper-wearing nations.

However, I spent several years living in the two most advanced slipper wearing countries in the world: Japan and Slovenia, where I studied slipper-wearing to a very high level.

Japan: kings of slippers

Most people know that Japan is famed for its strict slipper policy. I certainly experienced an unrivalled dedication to the indoor shoe during my two years living in a rural part of Fukui prefecture, where homes, dental practises and even schools all demand shoes to come off, and slippers to go on, when entering. So advanced is Japan’s slipper-wearing civilisation, that many homes even have a pair especially for use in the toilet.

Slovenia: highly sophisticated slipper culture

I was later surprised to discover a similar commitment to slipper culture when I moved to Slovenia. Some of my colleagues wore slippers in the office. And I also learned there is a virus, endemic to the floors of Slovenian homes which can pass through the unprotected soles of your feet and infect slipper-less victims, causing illness, even during summer.

Hence you will be scolded by your hosts if you fail to don a pair of protective foot-floor barriers from the communal supply which every home in Slovenia has by the front door.

Birkenstock Sandals Are Not Slippers

Having lived many years inside countries with such highly sophisticated slipper-wearing cultures, I have been indoctrinated in all its many facets.

Now, Austria does tend to follow the practise of wearing hausschuhe – house shoes. I recently visited a physiotherapist where it was mandatory to don the provided slippers before entering the treatment room.

But wearing any old outdoor shoe as your indoor footwear, does not a slipper maketh. And I do not believe that Birkenstock sandals are recognised in any country outside of Austria as slippers. (Possibly not even outside Carinthia. Possibly not even outside our house).

Indeed, in Slovenia, such behaviour would be punished by a seven-year prison sentence with no possibility of parole. In Japan, it’s even more severe; you would be expected to commit ritual suicide – the only way to salvage your honour after such a faux pas.

I admit that over the years I have felt a resentment build inside me about my wife’s insistence that her German sandals are in fact slippers. And here’s why:

1. They Offer the Cosiness of an Iron Maiden

As they are clearly outdoor sandals and not slippers, they have none of the comfort of a slipper. There’s no fur trim, no wool lining. No soft felt or comfy padding. Hell, they don’t even cover the foot!

This means they have none of the insulating characteristics commonly considered essential attributes for a slipper to earn its colours. Which brings me to point two…

2. Second Ugliest Footwear in the Known Universe

As sandals have scant insulating properties, my wife wears them with socks! Whilst it’s perfectly acceptable to wear sanctioned slippers with socks, wearing German sandals with socks is a recognised crime against humanity, banned by the UN in most of the developed world (save Germany).

This god-awful combination transforms them into the second ugliest footwear in the known universe (Crocs with socks take the top spot).

3. Dangerous Trip Hazard

Rather than having a slim, soft profile, which cause no issue if unwittingly stepped upon, my wife’s Birkenstock sandals have ugly, chunky, rigid soles. So when she sheds them somewhere in the house willy-nilly, they become serious trip hazards. Lying in wait like anti-personnel mines, they have taken me out on numerous occasions. This has further cemented my hatred towards them.

4. Even Birkenstock Know Their Sandals Aren’t Slippers

In Birkenstock’s own online shop you will find no sandals in the slipper section. They may be the inventors of the second ugliest footwear in the known universe, but even they know that prosecution from The International Court of Justice in Le Hague would be swift were they to make such a heinous claim.

And so I rest my case. I now ask you – the jury – to cast your verdict. Is there anyone else out there – in Austria or beyond – who considers Birkenstock sandals to be acceptable indoor slippers?

Perhaps I have been too harsh on my (otherwise wonderful) Austrian wife? Or have I not been harsh enough? (Should I file for immediate divorce?).

Please share your slipper wisdom in the comments below…